Back to basics

Long time no speak my fellow bloggettes (think baguette mixed with blog - tada) My last post was on the 21st of January - a life time a go... many things have changed since then. Some for the better some for the worst...well not the worst, but I really don't like change so this is a big step for me.
 Where to begin, where to begin... I guess the beginning is a good place to start....

I left Gosport. I moved out. I left my four year relationship behind....

Well you can hardly call it a relationship...more of a sham...the first year of our relationship was incredible, perfect some would say...but once where he got me so I was comfortable, his walls started to crumble and his true self came out - by this time I was hooked and that deeply fallen I couldn't see the light to get out...couldn't find the armbands to drag me out of the raising tide....I was slowly drowning and no one knew.

After years of struggling and telling myself that it will get better, that it was my fault he would mentally torture me, I snapped...I had, had enough...the feisty old me was ready to fight ready to take a stand and be free...a little dramatic it may seem but any one who has been broken, brusied and bullied will know that you only take so much, you only allow yourself to be weak for a certain time then it snaps...it all comes out....I wasn't weak anymore...I had found my strength....

I came home...home to my family that he had taken me from, back to the safety of my Mum who wouldn't let anything harm me. Slowly I began to tell my family the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth....

There was no going back, I had made my mind up, I would rather be alone and happy then with him and scared...I was scared of the man I once loved...I haven't allowed myself to cry since the break up...why cry..because the man I left wasn't the man I fell in love with...he changed...the man I loved died a long time ago.....

So here I am sat in the local library, as luck would have it my laptops have broken so this is the only communcation I get with the web...I've missed my blog, I miss been able to write what ever comes to my min, no matter how random and vulnerable it makes me...my blog is my place to feel safe...to be free.

I am looking for work and deciding on what I want to do with my life...I really want to go to University, a dream that has been on hold for the last four years, something that I wasn't allowed to do, but now I can. I am going to save some money so I can rent my own place. There is a place I once knew in Leeds City Centre, a beautiful studio apartment on the Headrow, with sash windows and a large spacious living area...I know about this  place as my  16 year old self went there one night with a man I met in town...don't worry I'm not going to spill any details, as there weren't any to spill, I was too busy admiring his apartment, and yes I mean his apartment, no innuendos here...although I could make a few up if you want. I have no idea if it is still rentable but I know when the time comes I will be making calls, I want...no I need that apartment.

As for men...I don't want a relationship for a long time....I don't want to allow myself to get hurt again, time is a great healer so I have been told...but who knows - only time will tell.

I must go, apparently eating chewy sweets in the library isn't the correct procedure and by the looks of the library assitant she either really wants what I am eating OR she is going to throw me out...people my age are meant to be thrown out clubs not libraries...maybe it will catch on.... but until next time....

Stay true to yourself